Take Shape for Life: Two Months In

I joined a weight loss meal replacement lifestyle pyramid scheme and all I got was this stupid shaker cup (oh yeah, and I've lost over 30 lbs in two months).

Let me start by saying I feel a little discontented talking about this, not because I am sensitive about my weight. I might not like having the proportions of Barney Rubble or Wario, but that's not the reason why I'm uncomfortable discussing my weight loss progress.

The real reason I'm hesitant to talk about this is my attitude towards both the girthy weight loss industry and those who preach one method or another like it's written in some ancient tome by a bunch of devout monks. I'm almost just as upset about this diet working as I am glad that it IS working. Plus, nobody gives a fuck about the food you aren't eating. With that said, let me tell you all about the food I'm not eating:

So What The Heck Am I Doing To Lose Weight?

There's the big question, right? I briefly mentioned in my last post that I'll be eating tiny packets of soy protein isolate. That's entirely accurate. I've been doing a program (ugh, I hate the diet lexicon) called Take Shape for Life. It's the Medifast meal replacement plan but you get a salesperson coach and join a religious cult peer group for support. You get a big box full of tiny packages of snacks, a few textbooks written by Dr. Stockphoto M.D., guides on what you can eat, the same generic shaker cup that all these meal replacement plans give you, and an invitation to a Facebook group curiously populated by people with two last names (this is probably just an observational coincidence). There's also a mailing list reminding you how your life will be so much better as long as you continue to talk to your coach about buying more soy protein isolate.

How Does It Work?

The idea is you eat 5 of these Medifast replacement meals throughout the day. They consist of things like granola-like bars, crunchy snacks, and packets of freeze-dried, powered microwave meals. These snacks and meals consist of about 100 calories. Then, you get an additional meal called a "lean & green." This is 6-8 ounces of specific types of protein, and a few servings of specific types of vegetables. No breads, no beans, no sugars, no deep-fried Oreos.

Essentially, the diet puts you into ketosis, a state where your body eats itself. This is similar to the Atkins diet, except your sweat doesn't smell like beef tips. On top of that, you need to drink a buttload of water like you should be doing anyway. No milk, no soda, no juice, no Wendy's Chocolate Root Beer Frosty Floats.

After you lose all of the weight you want to lose, there is a transition phase where you alter the plan, as well as phases that essentially lock you in for the rest of your hopefully skinny life.

There's no exercise plan to get you to lose the weight, and in fact, I was advised to not exercise while in the "weight loss phase." Ding ding ding, take me home, Dr. Stockphoto!

Okay, So How Bad Is It?

It's not really good, but you start to appreciate the tiny morsels of synthetic food product. Like I said, the main ingredient in most of this stuff is soy protein isolate. As far as I'm concerned, it's not meant to be consumed long term due to the adverse effects soy has on the body and mind (have you ever talked to a vegan?). However, the medically portioned meals do put you into ketosis, and I haven't noticed any adverse health effects other than honing in my newly discovered inability to process spinach. I'm BM'ing like a Yoshi in Shy Guy City, so that is a plus too.